Living with Cancer: Setting 'life event' goals

For those of us who have been diagnosed with cancer, holidays and other marker events assume even greater significance. We look ahead to birthdays, graduations, or weddings with longing, hope, and crossed fingers. They become goals to reach, and, once we have, we pick others in the future.

These events are both wonderful and challenging. All of us have sat at a Thanksgiving table and wondered: Will I be here next year? How many more Thanksgivings do I have? In the days leading up to Thanksgiving or Christmas or Passover, we likely obsess over the details, wanting every little thing to be perfect. We may remind ourselves that those Norman Rockwell holidays are only art, but we may still hold them as models. If your family is anything like mine, and I suspect that it is, there are certain to be curve balls or unanticipated stresses, and our goal really ought to be letting go of our fantasies and enjoying what actually happens.

I am writing about this now, rather than in a traditional holiday season, as I think it can be easier to consider when we are not consumed with seasonal pressures. Let us remember, too, that any of my suggestions apply also to important non-holidays. They are relevant to any day that has more than the usual import and anticipation. They also apply to vacations and visits and really anything outside of our normal daily routines.

Here are some strategies that can help:

• When thinking about a future day as a goal, expand your mental picture. For example, if the goal is being at my son's high school graduation, fill in the imagined details. Where are you sitting? What is the weather? Who is with you? When the day comes, take a photograph and keep it somewhere that you often will see it. It will help you remember that dreams can come true and will encourage you to start thinking about the next future day goal. When I first had cancer, I thought a lot about being at my then 11-year-old daughter's wedding. I have a picture of the two of about to start down the aisle on that great day; I look at it daily and have occasionally shown it to a frightened patient as proof that a future can arrive.
• Be realistic. If your child is five, it is better to begin to aim for her starting Middle School than for her wedding. This also will give you the chance to develop many more goals.
• Don't overlook the possibility of more open goals. For example, look forward to summer rather than a specific day in summer.
• Remind yourself that the anticipation of an event is both part of the pleasure and, conversely, sometimes is more stressful than the day itself.
• Consider sharing your feelings in advance with someone who will be present. S/he can then be an ally.
• Be prepared for the event itself to be bittersweet. You may not be able to completely eliminate the bittersweet part, but you can emphasize the sweetness.
• Lower your expectations. This does not have to be the most festive 4th of July ever. It just needs to be fun.
• Remind yourself that you are present now and very likely to be present next year, too.
• Reduce your own workload and obligations both in the preparations and the day itself. Ask others for help.
• All of your feelings are normal and legitimate. Feel them all.
• Don't forget to take those pictures!